This has been one of those weeks. You know the kind, it felt like a month at least.
On Tuesday, I had another appointment at the Tom Baker Clinic in Calgary. My husband was not able to take the day off this time, so one of my very best BFFs drove me. That 3 hour drive may not seem like a big deal to some, but I am lucky if I can stay awake for the trek down, let alone the drive back, so I need a “chaperone”!
My husband and I have used many of our Calgary appointments this year as an opportunity to spend time with and catch up with our dear friends Jeff & Didja Nawolsky. We looked forward to a quick lunch of sushi (yes, sushi…anyone who knows us knows how much Shaye thinks of these 2 to agree to meet for SUSHI). Shaye worked with Didja at CFCN when we lived in Calgary, where we had many great times with them. Then, shortly after moving to Edmonton in 1999, Didja was involved in the production of “Snow Day”. A movie filmed in our winter wonderland starring Chevy Chase, and thanks to Didj, included an “accredited” role for Shaye. It was fun having her back in the same city, we had a great time shopping, and even found the dress she purchased for her wedding to Jeff the following summer. Their wedding was such a beautiful day. You can just tell when 2 people are made for each other. The love, and laughter was infectious. Didja was always smiling, always laughing, and she had found someone perfect to share that with.
A few years later, life took a difficult turn. Many would say a “roadblock”, but Didja rarely let anything slow her down. She became ill. It was a crazy time, we received email after email from Jeff doing his best to explain what was going on and asking for prayer for her and her physicians to help her. It seemed every treatment was a band-aid that caused a problem somewhere else. To everyone’s amazement, Didja never abandoned her “cup half full” way of looking at life though.
You never know with certainty, why people come and go from your life, but I always do my best to see what the relationship with any given person can teach me about how to be a better person, about how to treat others. Some people treat you in a way that shows you glaring example of how to avoid treating others. Others, shining examples of the right way to treat others. Obviously, she was the latter.
I learned a few things from my relationship with Didj. First, I was disappointed in myself because we lost touch for a time, at a time when I felt she needed support the most. There was no reason really except life just kept happening. A second child for Shaye and I, going back to work etc. It terrified me to think of what may have happened to her in those years, but at the same time, I didn’t pick up the phone to call. I am so thankful for Facebook, and the way it brought our families back together. We talked about this a few years later when we were back in touch, but I learned in that moment how powerful forgiveness can be, and that clearly the way one person sees a situation will never be exactly the same as another. Just be happy for what you have in the moment and don’t waste any time worrying about what was. It has helped me to understand how people feel when we don’t talk for a while and they express regret over not calling. It’s ok. It’s really ok. Life happens. I don’t assume someone hasn’t called because they are angry, or there is some kind of problem. In fact, if you do have a problem, it’d be better for everyone involved if you did tell me. If you don’t, I’ll choose to believe we are good. We are ok.
Second, I learned to KEEP IN TOUCH. Take a second to try to send a quick “hey…haven’t heard from you in a while, haven’t seen you on Facebook, hope all is well”. Or send an e-mail, or a text. Make a call. This is the beauty of social media. People have their reservations about it, but there is no doubt it has helped us stay in touch with people and maintain relationships we may have otherwise let slip away.
Third, there is no end to the ways our friends can help us, and we can help them without even really knowing. Our Sushi lunches were therapy sessions for both of us, I think. It’s hard to know how it feels to be a “sick person”, unless you have been there. We could speak openly about the effects on our children, our husbands, our families. We could help change perspective on something. There were so many times she would say something that would completely change my thinking. I can only hope that I gave back to her even a sliver of what she gave me.
Finally, the MOST obvious lesson I learned from my friend Didja, (and anyone who ever met her always said the same thing), is that life can really be what YOU make it. Your cup can most certainly be half full or half empty regardless of what is in it. You can waste time complaining about what you have been dealt, or use it to empower you to be a better person who leaves a positive mark on this world. None of us are perfect, we all have bad days. Let those happen and wake up tomorrow with a smile. I recently re-read an email where Jeff explained that while in Cardiac ICU a few years back, at a time when things were looking bleak, Didja looked at the surgeons and said “She wasn’t afraid of dying … she just didn’t want to be there when it happened!” She never lost her sense of humour.
So back to my week. A few days before my Calgary appointment on Tuesday, I sent a message to Didj letting her know I would be in town, but not with Shaye, so I didn’t think I would have time for lunch. I didn’t hear back, so I sent her a text on Saturday. I received an email later that day from Jeff saying that she wasn’t feeling well, but they were in touch with Doctors trying to keep her home, rather than move her and her dialysis etc, to the hospital. The next email said she had been admitted to ICU. I quickly sent Jeff a message to see if she was at the same hospital I was headed to, to see if I could visit, if she was up to it. After a chaotic morning with my doctors, we walked over to see her. It was like hitting a brick wall. I saw Jeff’s face, his worry. I saw her, a shadow of her former self. She had lost more weight, and while she opened her eyes for a moment, I am not entirely certain she knew I was there, or what was going on. I told her she needed to get stronger because I was counting on her smiling face to help me through next month! I wanted to leave quickly, not because I didn’t want to sit with her forever, but because I felt she had so little energy, and it needed to be saved for Jeff and her daughter. On the way home, I was reminded of an email she sent following one of her more recent scares when she discussed one of her biggest fears being the lessons she had yet to share with her daughter, and the possibility she would not get to share them. I understand first hand how that is the biggest fear for any mother in that position. While I prayed for the very best of outcomes, I somehow knew in that moment it was going to be the darkest of times for them and instantly my heart was broken. I didn’t sleep for 2 days waiting and praying.
Didja passed away early Thursday morning. We lost a good one. I love you Didj, and I know I will forever see your smiling face, I’ll just have to look for it.
Trish G 