I removed the following from the “about me” section of the blog because I didn’t think it fit, and I wanted to elaborate. It was never intended to be about anyone specifically, but more about myself.

“We are now just waiting for the exact date.  My sister is a 10/10 match for my transplant, and she is totally on board to do what she can.  I have so many around me who feel the same.  I wish it hadn’t taken 6 years on this roller coaster for me to see how incredibly blessed I really am, and to let go of worrying about the people who don’t like me.  I was always so worried about trying to decide between fighting for my honour and changing into what people said I needed to be.  I was terrified of being judged.  It’s true what they say about letting go…it’s an incredible feeling.  When it doesn’t come from a place of anger, but a place of acceptance.  It’s ok if you don’t like me now.  I’m better with that than I have ever been.  I am a little sad, but I won’t waste time trying to change your mind.  I need my energy for bigger things right now, and maybe, just maybe, we are both better off accepting that.  Just don’t expect me to stop caring about you.”

Today was a great reminder for me, and an example of what I meant.  I have been overdoing it for days.  My daughter turned 14.  We had a birthday party for her on Monday for family (at a restaurant…at least I knew I didn’t have the energy to have 25 family members over for dinner!)  Tuesday I slept nearly all day recovering.  Wednesday was filled with Dr appts and running around.  I crinkled my grandma’s car (for the record, I have only ever crinkled HER cars…once when I was 17, and this Wednesday).  We received a “maintenance bill” for my husbands new vehicle for $700, I had to get my son packed and ready to go to Vancouver with his Grandparents AND my Grandma wasn’t feeling well, she weighed on my mind all day. Thursday we wakened at 4:00am to drive to Calgary for our meeting with my transplant Dr, and were home by 3pm.  Friday was a lot of sleeping again and baking for Caylie’s birthday party with friends on Saturday, and Caylie and I had a super fun time doing a Jamberry nail party for a couple hours in the evening together for some pre-teens.

Today is Party day.  It is also a big day for some of our family who are celebrating the 1st birthday and baptism of a very adorable little boy. I had agreed to make the smash cake for the party, was going to go bake cupcakes for Caylie’s birthday (8 13 and 14yr olds), decorate, go to his baptism, run home and wrap the gift, get the cake, drop it off, and leave Caylie and Shaye at home to start her party so I could remain at the 1yr old’s birthday party to show our support for the family etc, then race home to feed the hungry teens and finish off our party.  Sound crazy?  YES IT IS.

So, here is how it relates to what I was saying about letting go.  When I wakened this morning my BP was 154/116…then 170/121, then came the insane headache.  My body shut me down.  My first thought was who am I going to disappoint?  How will I be judged for not attending the other birthday party if I end up in bed all day?  I needed every ounce of my husband’s and daughter’s help just to get done what we needed to do at home, so I couldn’t even send him.  In the past, this would have eaten me up.  Now, I was able to just say I am sincerely sorry, but I can’t attend.  I dropped the smash cake off at 5:45, and that is that.  I can’t worry about who might think I’m snubbing them, or why we had to schedule Caylie’s party on the same day because we have 3 more family birthdays this coming week.  I thought about it, but I can’t worry about it.  It just is what it is.  No malice intended.  I wish I could have attended, it looked like it was a blast…and there are reminders all over Facebook of what a good time we missed. But that’s ok.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Especially the stuff we can’t control.  We can’t sacrifice our own health to go the extra mile out of fear of what others think of us.  I’m not perfect, and some would say I should have not taken on so much.  Others would say I should have done more.  I won’t waste time trying to convince anyone of anything. I know I am sure of a few things as I go to bed this evening.

1.  I did everything with the best of intentions to the best of my ability today

2.  I am feeling blessed.

3.  My BP is down to 152/108…not perfect, just like me, but better than it started.

-Trish xo