You never know what you are going to get (and yes, I chose THAT box carefully…mmm…Bernard) We’ve all heard it right?  But when you stop to really think about it, when you really let go and let God because every decision you make, whether with the best of intentions, or not, could create any number of outcomes, wow, that silly little saying makes so much sense.  I am terrible at remembering specifics in movies, so it’s possible this whole epiphany I have had this evening was there, but lost on me years ago when I saw Forrest Gump.

Here is my thought.  Maybe you pick the one in the middle of the last row on the left.  Maybe it’s a random choice without any thought, and you get a crappy creamy one with a brandy base that makes you gag..EW.  Maybe you Eenie Meenie Minie Moe’d your way to that choice.  Maybe you think you were oh so smart and picked it through a process of analyzing every bump and chocolate drop, convinced you know more about the awesome almond or cherry filling which could only come from a chocolate of that shape, and when that gaggy, ewy brandy fills your mouth again, you just don’t get it?

My point is this.  We make choices.  Educated ones, compassionate ones, protective ones, and angry ones every day, we need to remember that we are all human and most of the time we do our vey best to make the right ones, sometimes one strategy works better than another, but at any given time, we can make a mistake.  Or at least we think we did.  Some mistakes are worse than others.  Sometimes it’s because of our choices, sometimes it’s just a random raw deal, sometimes, that outcome is just the way it was meant to be.  But we need to remember that even when the bad things happen, the good things are still there, waiting to be found.  If you can’t find it in the moment, it is bound to be right around the next corner.  The question is, what do you do next?  Get mad at the box?  Get angry with yourself?  Give up on chocolate altogether?  Or learn from the shape of that icky chocolate and try not to choose that one again.  Maybe you will, maybe you are stubborn and a slower learner.  Forgive yourself, forgive the box, and pick again, but do it differently this time.  Eventually, you’ll get that cherry almond one, and you may even learn something along the way.

This illness has felt like a raw deal at times.  If I continue to look for the lessons, think about what it has taught me, what it has taught those around me, I am able to keep the really difficult moments in check.  That doesn’t mean there are not days (yesterday) when I just need to let it all go, messy cry and lie in bed for a bit.  Yesterday it was just like flipping a switch.  I think partly it was about losing control of everything.  I thought I was ready for this fight, then All of a sudden it was really time to face the fact I am leaving.  Tomorrow. I was fine, great in fact, then I looked around and saw some of the faces I won’t see again for a while.  The little ones especially. I was reminded of the times my own children won’t be near.   I adore the hugs, the smiles, the radiating happiness that comes from them is infectious, so how can I possibly go months without it?   I know why…because after this short term pain for long term gain, they will have an auntie/mom who is unstoppable.  Superwoman without the cape (well, maybe I will even wear a cape every now and then, but just for the little ones 😉 ).  That’s the bright side I’m looking forward to, but who knows what this world has in store…it may even be a better chocolate than I expected!  Toffee crunch perhaps?

-Trish xo