I started this blog in an honest attempt to help people understand this whole Stem Cell Transplant from a patient’s point of view and join the process. On the good and the bad days. I have always known, that at times I have had to find my strength in others when I didn’t have it myself, so I feel it benefits me as much as you, for you to join my journey. I love hearing you find inspiration in it in some way. I believe I have a responsibility to be as honest and raw as I can.
My day yesterday started out just as any other. It’s busy in the morning. I have to cream up, take all my meds, have breakfast, talk to the doctor, etc.
Things started to feel like they were falling apart at about 12:35pm. That’s when my lunch showed up. The lunch was totally wrong. I’m on a high dairy/calcium but low fat diet because of how the Photopheresis works. I received someone else’s lunch. No big deal right? Who cares, eat what you can, quickly and carry on.
My nurse ran out to find me some lighter soup and carrots anyway, so sweet.
My Photopheresis treatment was booked for 1:00pm. I was feeling a little crunched for time. I still needed to be unhooked from my IV machine so I was free and clear for the Photopheresis machine.
At about 12:55, as I was standing getting ready to leave, when one of the nurse coordinators came sweeping in and asked how I felt about changing rooms. Someone needed this one and they would move me downstairs while I was gone. I’m sure he wasn’t prepared for the puddle I became.
Instantly, I was that little girl. This little girl. Some of you may have even known her
This is little girl tries with everything in her to pretend there is nothing wrong, but nobody knows the weight she bears, and ultimately feels all alone. There is that moment you can’t just keep up the smile. For just a few moments my little girl was here, and I was all alone.
I tried so hard to keep her down, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the elephant tears. I tried so hard, but nope, they came.
I was embarrassed. I felt like a selfish crybaby. I would never imagine keeping a room from anyone who needed it. I have been on the Bone Marrow Transplant unit long enough to know, when it’s needed, it’s needed. BUT, it’s not easy to be here alone. Everything, and all my important people are far away. I panicked. I needed a minute to process. It really wasn’t a big deal, but to me, in that little moment, that little girl with nothing wrong, was all alone. Trying to smile, although my crooked smile was replaced with tears.
About 10 minutes into my Photopheresis, my big girl took over. With the assistance of my husband, sister, friends, mother in law, and technology, I pulled it together. They know me, and reminded me how close they really are. Just down the road. I’m never alone. I can do this.
Now to count my blessings. I am blessed to be independent enough to be on my new unit. I am blessed to have so many following, cheering me on and helping me through this journey. I lost my housecoat in the process, house coats are hard to come by here. I worked on getting that one special housecoat all week. The kind without a belt that fell in the toilet for me to pee on every time I went. And my dinner was wrong again. BUT, i found a new housecoat, my breakfast was RIGHT, and I’m back on track. Crooked little smile on my face 😌😜 on the good and the bad days.
Thanks for the strength you give me.
Peace & Love
Trish xo
Trish G 
Oh Trish!! How I do love reading your posts! I think of you on a daily basis. Today’s post tells me that you are a normal human being with normal human emotions – and how brave you are to share them out in the open!! Wow – what courage and strength you have. Even though I never see you, I feel that I am right there with you in your room. In my mind everyday this week, I am running down to Calgary – as I just want to be there to give you a smile and give any support that I can. Instead, I find that you are so inspiring, more than you know. I’m glad that ‘little girl’ appeared yesterday! I love your candidness. Please know that your blog is helping others more than you know, even if one doesn’t always respond to them. You have an awesome family!! Big (((((HUGS))))) to you! xo
LikeLike
Thank you Trish for sharing this and letting us see you at your weakest of moments (and I know there have been too many to count).
That “little girl” is you, right at the core of your being and she will be there right where you need her, every time you need her, all the days of your life!
Embrace her, for she is your strength to get you through!
Cherish her always!
💕💕
Continue your fight and your healing as well. 🙏🏼💐
LikeLike
Glad that you found your big girl panties Trish. I think of you often and always send healing thoughts your way. Keep up the great work of sharing your journey. ((Hugs))
LikeLike
Trish, I am currently on my own medical journey, which is nothing as serious or as tough as yours. Some days when I am having a Pity Party, I come to this site and re-read your posts and thank God for you, your strength, and your courage which you share with us.
You keep me going and I offer my prayers for you to recover and be home soon. Take care
LikeLike
Trish, I would love to be there with my suitcase in my hand…so however…since I can’t I’ll be here, praying that God gives you all that you need to get you through this…!! I have a word that I use when I just can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other anymore…”HUSH”…you know the times when we get the cart before the horse and I just cannot seem to slow my thoughts down…I feel a gentle breeze pass over my body and I know He is there with me!! Peace be with you this day…I am holding your hand and drying your tears…BLESSINGS, LIN
LikeLike
Thank you for this. I think about you often. I know we aren’t close but I have been praying for you and so desperately pray for you to get better and be with your family. I only know what it is like to be in the hospital for a very short time….5 days. I hated it. The beeping, the uncomfortable bed, the meals, a couple mean nurses, etc. I can’t imagine what you go through. I only hope that you get better VERY quick. It does make me sad to think of what you go through as your messages state. You are very remarkable and strong. You try to take so much goodness out of the bad things. It’s ok to be sad once in a while. It’s ok to feel like that little girl. GOD knows I cry over my stupid things like having to get the garbage can from the alley because my 14 year refuses. NO reason to cry over that!! But you my dear, never feel bad for being sad, angry or defeated. Those moments pass. YOU are SO strong.
Lots of love and good health,
Kim
________________________________
LikeLike
Hi Trish, you inspire me to keep hanging on and fighting the good fight everyday!! Hugs Rose
LikeLike
I read your blog whenever you have a new post, but this is the first time I think I have commented on it. I just want to let you know how much you amaze me. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. It’s all so overwhelming to me, an outsider looking in. And to be in the thick of it. And you just keep putting that one foot infront of the other. Everyday. Your strength and perseverance are inspiring. Just keep swimming girl!!
-Rhena in Edmonton
LikeLike
Hi Trish,
I can say I do know how you feel. Emotionally that is.
When I was going through similar issues everybody always told me how strong I was.
I felt like I couldn’t be anything other than strong because that’s what theyexpect from me
and I didn’t want to disappoint them. I was also so afraid that if I cried in front of them I would
a make then feel uncomfortable.
But Some days I wanted to yell I don’t want to be strong any more!
I just wanted to be held and rocked and have my face rubbed like when I was a little girl while I cry my eyes out.
I’m glad you let that little girl out and let the tears flow when you need to.
It really does help.
LikeLike
Trisha, i know that little girl. I have been a caregiver for many, many years. Both my daughters have MS and need a lot of assistance as well as emotional help. I am expected to always be the “ass kicker” who gives them the kind of support they need. But sometimes it is just not there and I want to cry like a baby for my girls. Everyone has there own story, many very sad and hard to deal with, and some have it not quite so bad, I always try to give my girls my strength, for them to call on, without letting them know I am breaking inside. It is very hard to always be strong, so give into those tears and tell yourself ” I will overcome this – look how far I have already come.” Prayer and Love are always sent your way. Signed with a tear, Maureen
LikeLike
Trish, I can’t even come close to imagine what your going through, my husband has prostrate cancer had 39 radiation treatments will know in June if they got it.You are extremely strong, but I also know about falling apart praying for you and your family take care.
LikeLike
Hi Trish so sorry to hear you had s bad day,but on the other hand it was so good of you to understand the other persons needs. My dear you are a very good person,if l was in your position l would of done the same thing,you are strong don’t ever give up you have a loving family and a lot of friends praying for you.lots of love and hugs going your way 👩❤️👩👩❤️👩
LikeLike
(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))),,, GOD,,bless you each and every day,,,,we are praying for your speedy recovery,,,,,Love your blogs,,,you are an inspiration to all of us,,,
LikeLike
I think about you almost every morning as I watch the news, well Monday to Friday for sure! I am amazed by your strength and ability to post so regularly. I’m still struggling to write in my 60 second journal everyday. That little girl shows up in all of us usually at our breaking points. Tears are a wonderful release of emotion. Let them fall and then do exactly what you did, carry on, one foot in front of the other to the top of that mountain you’ve been given to climb. We are with you every step of the way cheering you on! Sending you love & light and healing prayers. 🙏🏻✨💖
LikeLike
Good afternoon Trish: My prayers are with you through this ordeal..I know you have helped so many me included. I have always wanted to help sick people, but truly you have given me the feelings that you go through. What is the saying on Fridays, ” Do The Happy Dance”. That is what I want to see you do soon. When you get well you should think about writing a book. I believe it would help a lot of people, only you can make people see what a sick person goes through. It might even soften some cold hearts. The sun is shinning here today, but it is cold. at least to me. God Bless you my dear. Stay safe. 🙂 ❤
LikeLike